Lessons I learned in the dark

Alone in the dark is where I found myself. Outside on a swing at the local playground and nobody was in sight or in ear shot. There I was contemplating where I was in life. I thought coming all this way to Holland Michigan would bring me a fresh start and perspective.  A family had graciously allowed me to stay at their house to get away from my home in Philadelphia Pennsylvania. There I was worlds away from anything familiar and being indoors all day, surrounded by a quiet community of condos, wasn’t something I was used to. The noise of city life was far from me. I had taken some books to read which dealt with unforgiveness and searching for significance. Both had proven to expose where I was. This overwhelmed my 18 year old brain as I just graduated high school and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. A youth leader that I was very close to had just committed suicide and I was still recuperating from a toxic relationship. At this point I had recommitted my life to Jesus but I still felt lost. 

I didn’t know it then but what I would learn would be foundational to staying the course many years later. One of the things I learned was how to stick it out when no one else was looking. My parents weren’t over my shoulder coaching me to become a man of God. I wrestled with God myself to discover who He called me to be. Without any of my friends around to impress I dug deep and tears flowed when God showed me that unforgiveness lived in my heart towards people. I learned to forgive during that time. There were also other pains of rejection and insecurities that I saw in the reflection of my soul. 

I tried to find significance in places and people who I would show a pseudo version of myself because I wanted to be excepted. It was in the dark places where I discovered the shadows in my identity that haunted me during my days. I didn’t realize it during the time but this was a reconstruction time. I only knew that I was devastated at how alone I was and how corrupted I felt. I stood my ground in that park thousands of miles away from home and asked God to do whatever he had to do to make me a man worthy to serve him for the rest of my days. I welcomed the suffering of sanctification and I determined that I would forsake all others as long as He never left my side. Although I was never a great student I was passing the most important test of life which was the testing of my faith. 

Today I am able to stay faithful when tragedy strikes because of that day. Today I can stand alone for what I believe when others seem to run in the opposite direction. Today I can forgive people without someone telling me because of that day. Today I can find significance in who I am in Christ because of that day. Today I can be alone in the dark and know that brighter days are ahead of me because of what God did with me on that day miles away from everyone I knew.