PTSD in ministry
It was the usual yearly trip that I take to get away from the hustle of ministry in order to clear my head and envision the future of the church I lead. This trip became something else when I started to realize how hard it was for me to feel connected to the Lord. I was there more mentally, but I quickly discovered that the time was feeling empty. There was a book I started to read and in that book, I was astounded at how God was being depicted. What astonished me was that the state that I was in altered my nature from the nature of God that I had fallen in love with. Then it hit me like a left hook. I was in the Kingdom but far from the King. So I would like to write a few words concerning the reason for the disconnect.
I’ve come to the realization that as I helped many people through family disappointments, people in and out of their lives, betrayal, let downs, the unexpected, and their heartbreaks and how those things had affected them, I totally neglected to let the Lord tend to the garden of my soul. Through this neglect, weeds had populated the garden and were choking out the relationships that were still there. I noticed that dreams that were once upright and strong were wilting and my trust in people was off color. My faith was losing focus.
The Lord was showing me that I was suffering from PTSD in ministry. I didn’t think that was a thing but sure enough as I examined what the signs of Trauma were…
Shock, denial, or disbelief.
Confusion, difficulty concentrating.
Reliving a traumatic event, including nightmares, flashbacks, and memories caused by triggers
Anger, irritability, mood swings.
Exaggerated startled response
Anxiety and fear.
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Guilt, shame, self-blame.
Withdrawing from others.
Avoiding situations that are reminiscent of a traumatic event
Feeling sad or hopeless.
Negative changes in beliefs and feelings
Feeling disconnected or numb.
Self-destructive behavior
…I concluded I had it.
The knowing part was half the battle. I would have to invite Holy Spirit into the pain and anger. Tears were the evidence of my heart melting. I felt safe that I could trust God when everyone else was suspect. Then I began to realize that I’m probably not the only one that has had traumatic experiences that seem normal. There are probably others like me that have a high pain threshold, that can keep walking and not appear to have anything wrong. You might be one of those, like me, who knows how to run faster than the demons that try to haunt you. It’s only when you slow down enough to be real with God and yourself that you realize that you are not faster than you thought. And like me, you come to admit that you were not meant to outrun them but were meant to overcome them. I am better for the heart check. The healing that comes to exposed wounds is part of being reminded that our God is good. A goodness I want to be able to reflect in all that I do. This nature of God can’t come from the head it must be experienced in the heart. PTSD can be turned into an extreme situation to experience the goodness of God if you let yourself be ministered to in the places that ministry has caused trauma.