A Marriage Tune up
Marriage is neither an art nor a science. It’s a journey. Having a pleasant experience driving somewhere depends on many factors: the company in the car, the directions to the location, enough money to make it, the kind of vehicle to get there, and whether you remembered everything you needed to bring. In my marriage journey, we have 24 years of mileage accumulated. If we don’t get a tune-up every once in a while, it will make the journey more laborious than it needs to be. Here are my top 3 things that keep our marriage tuned up.
Rev your engines…
Learn to speak in their heart language:
What I mean by this is that you rewire your brain to consider their heart before yours. I know it is most of our natural propensity to want to be understood. If we are not feeling good vibes from our spouse, we start to shut the doors of our hearts. That is the coward’s way out. To understand the other makes it so the other will want to understand you on a deeper level. But learning a new language isn’t easy. In fact, the older you get the more challenging it is to learn a new language because the neural pathways in your brain have been set. To start blazing new ones for an additional language means work. This is the same dilemma we face when learning the heart language of our spouse. It’s not a different tongue, but more of a different tone, words, and body language. When we have been set in our ways for so long, we think our spouse should find out how we got there. I can’t stress enough that learning how to communicate with them at the heart level is one of the most intimate investments you can make in order to secure your marriage. There will be a learning curve as you try different topics. You’ll learn that, depending on the timing, certain things might stress them out or bore them. You will learn that some things are stimulating and fun and can turn their day around. When you are fluent with their heart language, they will keep their heart protected from those who would take advantage of them. All of us desire to communicate at the heart level and marriage is the place to learn it.
Out-serve your spouse:
Another nail in the coffin for our natural selfish tendencies is found in service. The greatest and most powerful leadership is demonstrated through service. Imagine if the unspoken contest in your marriage was that both of you have made silent commitments to out-serve the other. We often have exhausting jobs; on top of having children, we have to respond to their beck and call. What is so appealing about serving one more person? Our jobs compensate our service with money. Our children are usually costly and take the money our jobs compensated us with. Now when it comes to our spouses, the service we render them results in feeling love and respect. The service to our spouse – if done right – will feel more like a dance than a chore. I am talking about a hot and heavy dance, not an awkward dance where you look like you’re being attacked by bees. The harmony of one spouse elevating the other after a day of work is beautiful. This harmony can be achieved through making them coffee (or in my case hot tea), getting them into a warm pair of slippers with soft classical music in the background while the food is cooking, or preparing a warm bath with candles and a nice love note left there for them to read. Are you telling me that if you serve your spouse in this way from time to time that you will go unrewarded? Even simple acts of service such as a sweet text to remind them that you still say, “I do,” or cleaning up a long-neglected refrigerator or laundry room. When you look to out-serve the other no one will ever feel neglected or taken advantage of. This is another intimacy builder that guarantees you’ll have a lot of children (if that is something you want).
Have healthy marriages around you to learn from:
“I like how she did that.”
“Did you see how he responded to her?”
These are statements that come from my wife and I after we leave the company of some great married couples we have the privilege of knowing. We learn what we might not do as well from what they do well. Having healthy marriages around us is like holding a mirror up to our own marriage—we are able to give ourselves honest assessments of where we are with things. It also takes away from the story we tell ourselves that good, loving, happily-ever-after marriages don’t exist. We can read books or go to conferences that give us information, but for implementation’s sake, we will need to be at arm’s length from those people who carry the goods of a healthy marriage. They are either around us or need to be sought out. On the opposite side, if all we see are those who are barely making it, don’t like each other, or are superficial about themselves, then this will normalize for us what marriage isn’t supposed to look like. A healthy marriage doesn’t mean they don’t get mad at each other in front of you or say something that makes everyone uncomfortable once in a while. It means even in their uncommon moments of marital tension they love each other and will remain respectful by not going overboard. If you are not around marriages that challenge your marriage to get better in one area or another, then you are robbing yourself of the richness found in those relationships.
Those are my three pieces of advice. I hope you do something with them if you are married.
Her meekness, my weakness
My wife hit me with this question: “Why don’t you do a blog talking about our marriage?” Inside of me, I was like, “Uhhhh, because I don’t know if it will come off right?” The scrutiny around blogs I’ve posted on concepts is one thing, but if I got that personal and I didn’t get a favorable response I don’t know how I would respond. Mostly likely I’d be tucking my heartstrings between my heart and running away. But I haven’t been known to shrink from a worthy challenge. If my friends were to challenge me to jump from a rock cliff into the murky water below, it’s on! So here I am jumping in due to the instigation of my wife who wanted me to write a piece on our marriage.
You should know that we were married at the ripe young age of 20 years old (she was 19). We were only saplings. What can I say? I was impatient to start my career in marriage. We had children in the picture immediately. It might or might not surprise you to know we also needed emergency marriage counseling immediately. This was because of the things we were unable to reconcile without mature, experienced adults to help us hear each other.
Today my wife and I have been happily married for years. That’s not to say we haven’t had tense moments, hard times, and strong disagreements that needed a couple of days to cool off from. But I can say it’s been happy because we are not living with a daunting belief that we might not belong together. Another contributor to our happy marriage is the knowledge that we are going to get to the other side of the hard stuff, and that we are going to get there with each other. There is no Plan B. That type of reassurance acts like a dropped anchor from a ship when the winds and waves are bringing choppy waters. I guess you can say we are now experienced sailors. Let me share with you one of the major things she had done to change how I responded early on in the tumultuous moments in our marriage.
Arguments or "intense fellowship" are a normal part of marriage. Big argument items can stem from money, children, failed expectations, extended family, and poor communication. For us, the normal cycle of arguments would go like this:
One of us would do something {ping}, the other would voice their displeasure {pong}. The other would respond with a sharp reply {ping} that would cause a reaction of one-upmanship from the other {pong}. The other would be like, “oh, no he or she didn’t,” {ping}. The escalation would include clapping hands to every syllable of what we wanted them to hear, a raised voice, loudly banging on tables, or a foot stomp or two {pong}. And eventually somebody’s parents would be blamed for how they were raised. Yup, that was our crazy cycle. Sound familiar to anybody?
Then one day my wife did something that totally undid me. She ruined our normal cycle by responding in a way that I had never encountered before in the heat of an exchange of words. I can’t recall what I was frustrated by. Whatever it was, our normal yet crazy cycle started to spin. I just know that I was upset and made some comments that weren’t kind to my wife. There was a pause before she spoke. When she spoke, she was looking to gather more information and asking questions to get a better understanding of what I was getting at. But I thought, “she isn’t going to use her Jedi mind tricks on me.” I wasn’t having it. So, I tested if she was for real by maintaining my frustrated tone with her. You’d think that that would have unsettled her from what she was attempting to do. It didn’t. Soon we were just talking and discussing what was going on. I am pretty sure she apologized, and I apologized for the part I played in the misunderstanding. I was weakened by her approach. She was meek, and her meekness was my weakness. It’s hard not to feel entitled to strongly reacting to things that come across mean-spirited.
I learned from my marriage that meekness has the strength to break cycles. It disarms our adversary. It quiets the yelling. It awakes our consciousness. It humanizes the exchange. It holds up a mirror to our ugly actions.
My marriage has had many good breakthrough moments that I can talk about, and if people are helped by this blog, I will attempt to share those other moments. I thought I should start by sharing one of the many areas that my lovely wife has impressed me in. If you know someone – or are that someone – who doesn’t want the arguments to continue to get out of hand, then try making the choice to be meek. You will be surprised at the power of what it can do for your relationships.
The casualties in crisis
Perfectly imperfect, seems to be the best way of describing how we are handling the hardships we are all experiencing. For every one we are trying to help there are others who we are not helping. For every word spoken that blesses someone, those same words offend another.
I have never watched an action movie where the hero, who was trying to eliminate the villain achieved this without some car smashed, property damaged or people hurt. No matter how well-intentioned or well planned a course of action is to help people there are always casualties in crisis.
God is perfect in all His ways. There’s no doubt that He is the only one who has the power to do everything the way that everyone would prefer. And yet, he chooses to use fallible human vessels to be an extension of his hands and his feet on the earth. He sends imperfect people with a variety of experiences and perspectives, to move towards pain, problems and crisis. Why would he do this, knowing full well that even with the best intentions people can bless some and disappoint others?
Love is what compels us to move regardless of our shortcomings. It is love that is able to see that while I might not be doing everything perfectly, if I am doing things from a place of love then I have to trust that at the end of it all it will be better. Love covers a multitude of sin. I’m not talking about blatant purposeful sin. I mean, the kind that shows up out of our humanity. The stupid things we say and do, especially in our effort to be a part of the solution.
That’s why we should make sure we walk humbly in all things. In humility we will be able to learn from our mistakes and approach others’ mistakes with a gracious posture.
Humility knows that we don’t see it all, know it all or can do it all. It’s only by God’s grace that we are even able to do the things we do. His grace alone enables the natural man to do supernatural things.
I know I have felt that I am not good enough, and that my best decisions are still imperfect. Not everybody is pleased with me. Honestly, that takes its toll on the heart. Sometimes I want to surrender to the hopelessness that taunts me with the words “why even try to do anything if it won’t mean anything to someone out there?”. When I get my eyes off of me and others and look up higher to the Lord I enter into a place of rest where I am unconditionally loved. That humbles me so that I am filled with courage and that enables me to love others, even if it’s not always perfect.
I know I am not always pleasing to God and if I’m really honest, I dont always feel like what He is doing is pleasing to me but I remind myself, in moments like these, that while I don’t always understand God’s purpose I am secure that His heart is for me.
The most perfect response we can have is LOVE. Although we will not please everyone, and that there are times when there will be casualties in crisis, we can rest assured that He is good all the time, He is in complete control and He will work all things for our good.
Mr. T said “I PITY THE FOOL”
Back in the 1980s, Mr. T had a famous catchphrase. He said, “I pity the fool.” This was his way of warning people of the dangers of not using common sense before doing something. This man had gold chains galore dangling from his neck. On top of all that, he had a mohawk that made one sit up and take notice when he would talk. That phrase could make a comeback with the actions some people are taking these days. It can easily be said, “I pity the fool,” when we see people arguing online instead of going offline to talk about their disagreements. How about saying, “I pity the fool,” to the person who is planning to live off of their unemployment as long as they possibly can. Or, “I pity the fool,” who is letting fear hold them back from doing the – possibly risky – right thing.
Fools are people who don’t have common sense or don’t use it. Without common sense, we are prone to do things that have people scratching their heads. When a child is foolish, their parents might not want to take credit for them being their child. The fool’s rationale is hard to explain—or maybe I should say painful to try to explain, because it just doesn’t make sense. In the fool’s defense, I am sure they have an explanation that, to them, sounds convincing. However, what the fool doesn’t realize is that their explanations sound ridiculous to those who possess common sense. Common sense is a basic understanding of how decisions work. For example, common sense concludes: “If I work hard, I can get ahead.” Fools think they don’t have to work and can still get the same privileges and benefits as those who do. The good news is that anyone can have common sense as long as they have a conscience. The bad news is that foolishness can be contagious. Common sense tells you the company you keep will show you the future you are headed towards. Fools don’t consider their environment, nor are they willing to take personal responsibility for what they do. Do you have pity for the fool?
Wisdom should be our ultimate goal. But here is the thing: you’ll have to have common sense before you can be in the neighborhood of wisdom. Wisdom is more precious than money, or silver, or gold according to the Bible. And that should make sense if you have common sense. Wisdom is the ability to create from nothing, see the truth in ambiguity, and multiply whatever is in its hands. The value of wisdom is a magnet that will eventually attract and extract value from its surroundings. Money and riches in the hands of a fool will pass through those hands quickly, like a child holding sand. A wise person is a treasure that knows how to find and what to do with treasure, so that generations after that person are blessed.
In conclusion, foolishness comes with a lack of awareness about how the decisions one makes creates one’s present and future. Common sense is the basic awareness that our decisions, good or bad, affect us today and tomorrow. Wisdom comes when we graduate to a place where we know what decisions to make in order to create the best future, no matter what yesterday or today looks like.
I HATE ORPHANS
The movie, Nacho Libre, is one of my favorite guilty pleasures to watch. Its quirky comedy is for random, silly people like myself. However, I want to highlight a specific comedic scene in the movie and give it a more serious spin. If you haven’t seen the movie I hope what I share is something that still makes sense. The wrestler, Esqueleto, stares in frustration at the main character of the movie and his partner in the ring, Nacho Libre. Suddenly Esqueleto angrily announces “I hate orphans!”. Nacho is shocked and this comment makes these friends instant enemies. Nacho had become a luchador (wrestler) to escape the boredom of his religious duties and to give the orphans a better life, while Esqueleto was in it for the money and only for himself. The back and forth between these two makes for an epic scene but I won’t give any of the details away. You’ll have to watch it for yourself.
However, it did have me thinking. The orphans I want to discuss are not necessarily ones who live in orphanages but are orphans because of what’s going on in their hearts. They are people who don’t know where they belong, they don’t know if they are loved, they are unsure about the future and aren’t sure of who they are. People with an orphan heart are not easy to love because of their neediness and tendency to sabotage what’s good for them. They are people who are on survival mode. Sound familiar? If it does it’s because we all have a little orphanism in all of us. Here is a twist. Esqueleto doesn’t realize that what he hates is what exists in him. He was a man with an orphan heart judging orphans. We are all missing something and feel a void. It’s only remedy is when we encounter the transformational love of our Heavenly Father found in the sacrifice of his Son Jesus Christ. The only way to come out of the “orphanage” is to be adopted into the family of God.
Most of what we hate in the world is because orphans have been running it. When that happens the way things are cared for are warped and the way to progress hurts more people than it helps. Children of God have access to the Father’s heart for themselves and the world. That effects how they live and lead. Like Nacho the Lord willingly stepped into the ring of this planet and wrestled against enemies of our destiny and true identity of being children made in the image of our Father.
Our Heavenly Fathers love is too good to never experience. If I could take you to a place where you are guaranteed to experience it I would. The truth is He makes His love available to all the spiritual orphans in the world but where we need to go to know that love is different for all of us. Some might find it on a walk where the beauty of nature tells you something about the one who created it for you. Some might find it in a place of recovery where you see that your choices have power and your choice of ignoring God is part of the problem. We all have a special place where God is not afraid of showing up and adopting us as His children.
I don’t know if my diagnosis sounds too cheesy or simplistic. If so, my excuse for the cheese is that I was using Nacho Libre as my metaphor. Nacho is for the cheese and Libre means free. The truth that sets us free is often simple to understand but difficult to live out. I’ll let you wrestle with that ;-)
PS ooxxooXoXXx
That was for all the fans of the movie